We cannot
take a single breath for our child,
cannot think a single thought ,
cannot feel a single feeling,
cannot dream a single dream,
cannot cry a single tear, ------ Yet we think
we can control their lives.
Let them think, feel, dream, laugh and cry the way they wish to- for the
seed only gives everything it can to the seedling- & the gardener can only
provide safe growing conditions.
Right from the time that a
child enters this world to the time one dies, the key is the ability to survive
‘independently’. With the first birth cry that signifies the first independent
breath that the child takes without the maternal help, to the ability to carry
out the old age in a healthy and dignified manner is a fight for independence.
Despite this we as parents fail to recognize the innate ability of our children
to be able to fend for themselves in most of the situations according to their
age.
I remember how my child would
overturn his plate if I tried to feed him at 2 years of age – when he had just
learnt to eat with a spoon on his own. This behaviour of his angered me- till I
realized that the child wanted to eat on his own. The moment I let him have his
food on his own he was happy. Now, I know many of you would not agree with this
because a two year is very messy- yes – he too was but then the confidence that
this act evoked in him was worth the effort. For mothers of toddlers I usually
suggest a spare outfit to be put on when he/she has to eat. In addition, you
can give a small portion for the child to eat on her own and feed the rest once
the child has finished with her messing.
This is but a small example
of how we unnecessarily pitch in either to save our time, effort and in the
presence of others- to
save us the social embarrassment. In ‘n’ no. of situations
during the course of growing up we help in small and big ways so that the work
which they present as theirs, looks beautiful and perfect. As is the trend
wherein the exhibits for the class/school projects and exhibitions are either
made by some adult in the family or a recent development- purchased from
professionals. The whole purpose of the child being given an assignment has
been defeated. Your child’s project maybe adjudged one of the best but in the
long run your child is learning ‘dependence’- dependence on others for doing
their work. In addition they are losing out of the opportunity to enhance their
creativity and problem solving ability. Some parents may argue that they have
learnt to solve their problem the easier way – by shelling out some money- not
every problem in the world can be solved that way.
The main aim of parenting
according to me is to help our children grow up to be independent, confident
and happy individuals- if we keep offering a helping hand they’ll never make
mistakes. Perfection never comes without mistakes- let them make them now –
when they are still small, later their mistakes can be of greater magnitude and harm - irreparable.
There is another aspect to
independence- how much?
Independence here does not imply ‘no rules’. Discipline is the essence
of happy and successful living. Independence means a freedom of choice and
action. Within the bounds if children are given a choice to choose from a
select few it gives them a sense of independence and authority over their
lives.
One of our responsibilities as parents is to become
independent of our children.
Andrew Schneider notes that many of us feel inadequate as
parents because we assume we are totally responsible for them, but we are not.
Schneider says, "Their soul is in charge of their
lives, and nothing that you do can greatly interfere nor greatly help. Who you
are as a being and what you model is the important reality."
How specifically can we support our children? We want
them to feel nurtured and valued. We want to support them in learning how to
provide for themselves. And we want to help them build good relationships.
"The most important thing that parents can teach their
children is how to get along without them."
-- Frank A. Clark
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