Do it Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered

forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives

be kind anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people cheat you,

be honest & frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone can destroy overnight

build anyway.

If you find serenity & happiness they may be jealous

be happy anyway.

The good you do today people will often forget tomorrow

do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough

give the world the best you've got anyway.

************************

Do all the good you can

By all the means you can

In all the ways you can

In all the places you can

To all the people you can

As long as you ever can.

John Wesley

We are what we think

How Attitude Affects Us

 

Before we can achieve the kind of life we want, we must think, act, walk, talk, and conduct ourselves in ways characteristic of who we ultimately wish to become.

 

Our attitude at the beginning of a job will affect the outcome of the job more than anything else.

 

Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude toward us.

 

Our attitude toward others will determine their attitude toward us.

 

Holding successful, positive thoughts in our minds will make all the difference in the world.

 

If we always make a person feel needed, important, and appreciated, he or she will return this attitude to us.

 

Part of a good attitude is to look for the best in new ideas. So look for good ideas everywhere....in books, in travel, out of the innocent mouths of children.

 

Radiate the attitude of well-being. Don't be embarrassed to share visions, desires, and goals.

 

Treat everyone with whom you come in contact as a fellow member of the human race - with all the rights, duties, and privileges thereof. The Golden Rule still applies: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Adapted from: Motivation to Last a Lifetime

Summer Camp for children

IIts been a very long time since I wrote on my blog. I would like to share with you my experiences of a 15 day workshop that we (I and a fellow psychologist- Dr. Priyanka Goenka) held for children in Rohini and Pitam pura, Delhi. It was a learning experience not just for the participants but also for us as facilitators.

We had a fairly good attendance considering that it was our first attempt.

The focus of the workshop was on :-

1. Enhancing self confidence in children.
   
2. Teaching them sharing and team building.
   
3. Developing social skills and etiquettes.
   
4. Self control through anger management.
   
5. Effective time management .
   
6. Behaviour management.
   

The children enjoyed the two hour session at the workshop. There were reports of more responsible and co operative behaviours from parents. We could demonstrate to the parents that through frequent rewarding and reinforcing desired behaviours can be evoked. Non material reinforcers were primarily used such as recognition of positive behaviour, appreciation and acknowledgement –through group clapping. We encouraged children to observe others' positive behaviours and report the same. This helped us emphasize the importance of positive remarking and social tolerance.

Getting the parents to enlist their children's assets helped us bring their attention to how we overlook their positive qualities and focus on the negatives thus harming the self image and confidence in themselves.

The whole exercise helped us highlight to the parents and caretakers the importance of giving a free rein to children when it is most required. Helping them make decisions about small things that are of importance and benefit to them and letting them think independently to ensure a happy and stress free future for them.

What is Success?

Today I'll like to share something good I read.

Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.

~ George Sheehan (1918 - 1993)

 

 

What is Success?

To laugh often and love much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the approval of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;

To find the best in others;

To give of one's self;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...

This is to have succeeded.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND WELL BEING

 

The whole world today is engulfed by strange feelings of alienation, fear and apprehension. Stress due to day-to-day hassles is compounded by the demands of the modern day world. Be it a hard core professional- manager, doctor, engineer, teacher or a student, homemaker or the common man on the streets, there are reports of people from every walk of life succumbing to the pressures, resulting in increased incidence of health problems and in extreme cases suicide and homicide. These are all signs of decreased ability of the body and mind to cope with the ever increasing demands of the modern times.

Most appalling is the fact that people with above average academic records, in reasonably good positions are crumbling- the so called 'intelligent' lot. Over the years of merit dominance, intelligence has lost its true meaning, to be restricted to – a mere ability to fare well in academics.

Experts believe that academic excellence is only the tip of the iceberg .When it comes to life success, IQ contributes only 20% to factors that determine life success, and rest of the 80% is attributed to by other factors. These other factors include the ability to motivate oneself, persist in the face of frustration, to control impulse and delay gratification( self control), ability to regulate one's moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think and the ability to empathize and hope. This is what psychologists call 'emotional intelligence'.

Psychologists believe that intelligence is not a single entity. Rather there exist multiple intelligences which are independent of each other yet work together to provide solutions to problems. Along with the general ability to perceive, comprehend and think logically- self awareness- recognizing one's own and others' feelings, managing emotions and handling relationships are some of the components of EI.

While EI plays an important role in how far a person progresses in personal and professional life, it plays an equally important role in the physical and mental health of an individual. On the one hand there is loads of research to prove that negative emotions like anxiety, anger, apprehension, hopelessness, sadness and depression have a negative impact on physical health in terms increased proneness to blood pressure, heart ailments, breathing troubles and asthma, there is also evidence of lowered immunity and decreased resilience. On the other hand there is clear evidence of positive emotions (optimism, happiness and hope) helping people recover faster and less painfully from chronic and terminal illnesses.

Research has proved that our immune system is linked to our emotions via the influence of the hormones released under stress. The catecholamines (epinephrine and nor epinephrine), cortisol, prolactin and the natural opiates beta-endorphin and enkephalin are released during stress arousal. Each has a strong impact on the immune cells. When these hormones surge through the body, the functioning of the immune cells is hampered. Stress suppresses immunity at least temporarily while persistent stress has a longer lasting effect.

Positive thinking and good social relations have been proven time and again to avert or delay the onset of most known diseases. Why optimistic outlook has health consequences can be explained as- 1) pessimism leads to depression, which in turn interferes with the resistance of the immune system to tumors and infections, 2) pessimists tend to neglect themselves by not following medical regimes or by being careless about their health habits.

A positive and optimistic outlook towards life is learned early in life and is influenced by the emotional support extended by the family and friends.

Relaxation training can help patients deal with some of the distress their symptoms bring, as well as with emotions that may be triggering or exacerbating the symptoms.

Anger control training, ability to trust and the ability to see things from the other person's perspective (empathy) have a balming effect on the negative emotions.

The essence of the matter is that every individual is capable of understanding one's own emotions, monitoring one's responses and learning effective ways of handling relationship and adversities, to be able to lead a physically and mentally healthy life.

 

Dr. Aradhana Sharma can be contacted at: g.aradhana@gmail.com

 

Depression

 

Life for all of us is running in the fast track. 'There is no time to wait and watch' we are running on the unending road to nowhere. We have all felt a little low and been in the blues at one time or the other. What do you think depresses/makes us feel low- or why do we get depressed? The reason for depression is that we feel that we are not in control of the situation- the feeling of helplessness makes us low. Now that we have no control on the situations in the present, it gives us lesser scope for hope in the future! –thus aggravating the feeling to hopelessness. Helplessness and hopelessness are the two main reasons for depression. It is these feelings that lead to despair and low self worth. "When I'm incapable, not capable of doing anything- absolutely worthless, then there is no use of my living" this is what leads to suicidal thoughts and in many situations leads to the act. This is in short the dynamics of depression.

 

Now the question is -is the condition hereditary or environmental?

There is ample research evidence to show that it is hereditary BUT, although it may be a genetic endowment, it lays dormant unless triggered by some environmental factor. In the absence of the precipitating event a person would continue living a normal life. Secondly, environment has a major role to play in terms of the upbringing of the individual. By upbringing we mean the kind of attitudes, values and the lifestyle that one has learned.

Now you may say how are these things related to depression?

There is deep connection between our thought process and the symptoms of depression.

e.g. you get up in the morning to find that you have a flat tyre. (Scene 1) You know you'll get late for work – you may brood, kick around, curse the tyre, shout at who ever comes your way and while changing the tyre in desperation hurt yourself or lose a nut- further delaying yourself. You may gulp down your breakfast in haste or may skip on it. Frustrated as you were with the morning situation, you may start a bad day at work as well.

(Scene 2)- You know you'll be late for work- but that's out of your control now. You may think of an alternative- call a colleague, take a lift or take some form of public transport leaving the tyre to be attended to later or if there is no way out- try changing the tyre keeping your cool. You will in most probability do it less stressfully and in lesser time.

So, it is your reaction (due to your style of thinking) that makes the situation either a catastrophe or a minor barrier.

 

Depression in most situations arises from 'Frustration' – what is frustration? It is the feeling / reaction to situations when things do not happen/ occur the way we would like them to be. Why should things in the first place happen the way we want them to occur?

It is our need to be the master of all situations- our expectations from our environment- physical and social that triggers off frustration. Because our expectations are not fulfilled, we feel frustrated.

 

In order to understand what depresses us we need to understand our expectations from

1. Ourselves
   
2. Environment
   
   1. The physical environment- infrastructure, logistics etc.
      
   2. Others – our colleagues, spouse, children and everyone that we come in touch with.
      

 

We tend to think too much regarding what others are getting, feeling, thinking and doing and less on what we want, why, how to get it and what we are doing to get there.

We have a tendency to blame others for all the misgivings in our lives. This lack of responsibility and acceptance of our own thoughts and feelings results in undue unrest.

If only we could change our perspective and FOCUS on what we look forward to in life. This would automatically change the course of our thinking, feeling and action patterns.

 

On the contrary there are people (most prone to depression) who lack the sense of self- to the extent that they do things only to keep others happy and have no idea whatsoever as to what they want. Such people tend to take their inability to please the hard-to please others as a statement on their capability, and thus harbour feelings of inadequacy and low self worth, leading to lowered spirits.

To overcome this situation one needs to learn to be more communicative, assertive (not aggressive) about one's needs, desires and limitations. One needs to learn to organize one's days.

 

Time management is a key to most of the problems of the present day. Like we plan our meals, taking care that all kinds of nutrients are included in our and our family's diet, similarly we should learn to have a balance of work, play, meals, exercise and leisure in our daily routine. If we learn to prioritize- differentiating between the important and the urgent then we can lead stress free lives.

Have a Happy Holi

I wish all my readers a very happy holi. May this holi spread a plethora of colours in your lives and brighten your lives as the seven colours of the rainbow.

All education is redundant if not implanted when required.

Have a 'dry holi' .

Conserve WATER.

Spread the colours of LOVE.

Throw away the evils of Hatred and Anger.

Love

Aradhana

Me on MH One News Live

Examination anxiety

Every year this time round there is a lot of talk of 'exam stress' or 'exam anxiety'. Any event that tests our abilities and attracts the attention of everyone around us is bound to make anyone anxious. I agree that so much of what one can do in the future depends upon how a child performs at this point . But don't you feel that if children were allowed to take all their exams including the boards as only a measure of how much of what they have learned in the whole academic year - a mere evaluation or assessment for their own understanding of their achievement level rather than a matter of life and death- more than half the problem is taken care of?Why fret about exam anxiety - in the process creating some, even for the confident students? What I mean to say is if schools and parents were to look into things that may create a panic situation towards the end of the session and start to work on them right from the beginning of the session, things would be easier for the students and the authorities as a whole. Anxiety is a normal phenomenon that every individual is bound to face before any performance. And we all know that some amount of anxiety is necessary for optimal performance. The point is that no child can suddenly fall prey to overwhelming anxiety. There are some characteristic features in children who would succumb to the pressure. The signs of difficulties would be visible very early in their academic history. It is because they are overlooked in the earlier classes that they take on a full- blown shape at the time when internal and external pressures to perform peak.

Catch the early signs of exam anxiety-

Consistent inability of a child to perform in one or more subjects.

Poor performance despite additional help (tutions/coaching)

Inability to focus and concentrate on studies.

Tendency to put off work (procrastination).

Physical illness just before tests on repeated occassions.

Disinterest in school and other related activities.

Excessive crying/nervousness before exams.

Inability to concentrate and frequent forgetfulness.

A tendency to hide homework diaries, report cards and test papers.

And in extreme cases avoidance of school and other social activities, negative ideation and suicidal tendency.

In case you find any of these in your child it is time to seek help.

Peer Pressure?

Whenever there is an issue of negative behaviors in children, peer pressure tends to be a prominent concern on our minds. Its easier to fix the blame on the uncontrollable influence. Ever wondered why do children take to the naive and inexperienced peers rather than seek help and guidance from more reliable and experienced sources? Its a matter of 1. easily availability 2. unconditional regard 3. trust.
As parents and teachers we tend to lose trust of our children because of the perptual 'speaking from the podium'.
As we all know that learning starts right from the time that a child opens his/her eyes to this world, most of the learning takes place at home in the early years and this learning stays on with us in many different ways. Most of what parents and other well meaning adults push their children to do is influenced by their desire to be viewed in a positive light when among their friends, colleagues and relatives. A child's performance is one of the parameters to assess our social standing and our capability and success as a parent. This leads many parents to compare their children to whosoever they perceive as better placed than them. It is this early pattern to assess themselves against an external standard that leads children to fall for peer suggestions. Peer approval becomes their referral point for assessment of their worth and thereby self esteem. (This is not to say that the physical and envirnmental influences donot attract the adolescents towards glamour and rebellion, the hormonal changes do influence the behaviour of adolescents)- But closer observation of resilient adolescents reveals that they tend to have a well defined internal locus of control. They are more confident of their own abilities, they are good at problem solving and decision making and are open to experiment with alternatives.

The onus of responsibility lies with the parents and other role models. When we as adults give the children optimum opportunities, encourage independent decision making and functioning and are tolerant of mistakes and divergent views, they'll grow up to be responsible and independent individuals. If we allow them to set their rules and conditions of functioning within a set framework they learn to trust us and their own ability to take charge of their lives.

Parenting Pangs

PARENTING PANGS
Dr. Aradhana Sharma

In this era of technological advancement, a new gizmo hits the market every passing day. The change is so rapid that the transition goes undetected. In an attempt to keep pace with the change, humans lose out on the essentials. These are essentials that account for ‘a happy and healthy life’.
In the process, happiness today has acquired a different definition. Happiness is being interpreted as consumption – the more access one has to the latest, the happier he/she is. With changing definitions of happiness, material fulfillment tends to take on more importance in the priority lists than social and emotional accomplishments.
Material possessions have been salient features for placing people on the happiness scale since time immemorial, but with the rapid pace of development the list has grown manifold. For adults today who have been brought up in a ‘slower era’, foundations are still deep rooted and the distinction between good and bad , essential and luxury, necessary /need and extravagance- is easy to make. Worst hit are the youngsters who are being brought up in an ever changing environment. The poor things do not get a chance to learn these evaluations. For them what they see is true. There is no difference between essential and luxury – for them luxury is essential, and extravagance is necessary.

In such prevailing circumstances, parents face problems of indiscipline/ failure to be able to bring about any sense of discipline and responsibility- because what needs to work as an incentive for duties fulfilled- are bare essentials. These days it has become the parents’ obligation to provide them with the best of everything- food, clothing, shelter and the infrastructure, along with education and entertainment (with regular upgrading with the latest technological aids) for a good upbringing of the child. Not only do the children demand such facilities, the parents feel incapacitated by the inability /failure to do so.
In the process, the whole essence of parenting is lost.

Parenting means- nurturing in the child the strength – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – to be able to combat any situation in life and be able to conquer it. Teaching them to face problems, be motivated for higher goals in life, to be able to face frustrating and conflicting situations and not succumb to the pressures, to be able to enjoy whatever comes through in life out of their own effort. As Abraham Lincoln once wrote to the Headmaster of the school where his son was studying-

“In school, teach him that it is far more honourable to fail than to cheat. Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if everyone tells him that they are wrong. Try to give him the strength not to follow the crowd when every one is getting on the bandwagon. Teach him to listen to all men, but teach him also to filter all he hears on a screen of truth, and take only the good that comes through. Teach him how to laugh when he is sad. Teach him there is no shame in tears. Teach him to close his ears to howling mob, and to stand and fight if he thinks he is right. Treat him gently, but do not cuddle him, because only the test of fire makes fine steel. Let him have the courage to be impatient, let him have the patience to be brave. Teach him always to have sublime faith in himself too because then he will always have faith in mankind and global society. Then only he will become a true citizen of global society.”

If we as parents keep providing them with the best of everything without their demanding it, each of those things loses its incentive value resulting in a lowered motivation for its maintenance.

There is a set time and place for everything. As parents it is our duty to take care of the dietary and nutritional needs of our children. We do that in different ways at different times throughout the day – planning the child’s meals from breakfast to dinner.
Do you ever stuff your child with 2 glasses of milk, 4 chapattis, 2 bowls of vegetables, rice, curd, fruits, snacks and 2 liters of water at one go at the beginning of the day?
Why?
You plan the meal in such a manner that your child gets every nutrient in the right measure well spaced through out the day and suiting the palate of your child. So that your child can enjoy those things when they come at a time when they can appreciate and relish them. One can enjoy water only when one is thirsty, otherwise drinking even half a glass can be a punishment.
Likewise there are different times in the life span of an individual when they can understand and enjoy different things and events. They need not be stuffed down their throats too early in life on the pretext of providing them with the best.

Parenting is the art of being able to balance what, when and how much is essential for your child and of checking one’s own behavior rather than the child’s.

The State of the adolescents- Who's to blame?

Young children getting into street fights, into drugs and smoking and in extreme situations committing suicide and homicide- every day newspapers have some such report taking a substantial amount of the print space. Why is the younger generation behaving in this outrageous manner? Who is to blame? Is there something in the air that is driving the whole generation crazy or is that just a misconception?
If you look around, you’ll find that although all these acts were earlier associated with poverty and illiteracy, today children from educated and well-to-do backgrounds are causing concern for the society.

Every child is born unaware of the social realities and absolutely naïve to the hardships of living. Whatever the child does is a result of what he learns through observation and depending upon how his/her behaviors are reinforced positively or negatively.
Born a ‘tableau rasa’- the child’s psyche is scripted by the kind of upbringing.

Exposed to the latest technological advances, the children today are born in the most comfortable of environments. At every level of the socio economic ladder the present generation is much more comfortable then the previous one. The information revolution has opened avenues for greater exploration, resulting in higher aspirations and expectation.

On the other hand there has been a drastic change in the social fabric of the nation. Breaking up of the emotional support system due to changing family structures, change in the role of women and ever-increasing competition for more and better than the other have compounded the problems. The family structures are changing from joint units to singular units- forced sometimes by occupational restraints, space constraints and at others by choice due to incompatibility of the involved subunits. Increasing number of women are opting for ambitious careers that demand longer working hours and more involvement in terms of time and effort. This leaves them with lesser energy and time to bestow upon their families. And thirdly, as is the human nature, every one wants the best booty for themselves and expects the same from their children.

In the Transitional phase that our society is going through today, adults are losing control over their lives. Their inability to manage their careers and their lives is spilling over to the next generation. The void of unavailability is filled by the latest gadgets in the market. The children who are still at the tender stage where they have incomplete cognitive ability – they lack the ability to differentiate between the good and the bad, appropriate and inappropriate, learn to spend their time with their inanimate friends. These young minds learn the comfort of the virtual reality of the fictitious TV shows and the computer games, & fail to learn the important lessons of interpersonal skills that the yester generations learned subtly in the outdoor activities that lured them in the absence of any such indoor attraction. In addition, in the absence of the right kind of guidance, they fail to learn how to balance their acts and manage their time well (e.g. they spend too much time in front of the TV and the computer screens where they can defeat their competitors easily and with minimal effort by the mere click of a key and they are free to quit when things are unfavorable or they are losing.)

Growing up entails developing the ability to be independent and productive for the society. But independence today is dubbed more in terms of financial independence and the freedom to express one’s feelings and desires. The youth learn to demand material independence while remaining dependent for petty daily chores. Due to laxed parenting and/or absence of parents( children are left with caretakers who provide for the basic needs without any disciplinary constraints), children learn to depend on others for their day-to-day chores –like taking care of their belongings, fending for themselves e.g. healthy snacking and other things for themselves.

Another reason why children don’t learn to be responsible is because they are provided with more than they require- in terms of resources and freedom. Freedom and resources are available in the wrong proportions at the wrong time. Growing economy has improved the buying capacity of most families –so providing with the best has become the mantra- a feeling aggravated by corporate advertising. Vulnerable as they are, the young minds are lured by the glamour. Even more appalling is the psyche of the parent who feels that refusing the child for a petty amount might make the child feel deprived or inferior. This indiscriminate succumbing to petty demands of the children raises the baseline of their needs. They learn to regard luxuries as their basic necessity and deprivation/ withdrawal of that ‘basic’ as an atrocity.

In the quest for success in the academic arena, parents generally free the children from their social and cultural responsibilities (your exams are approaching miss on the social/family event), this fosters a feeling of social irresponsibility.

In short they learn not to value time, money, resources and not to take any initiatives and responsibilities.

But life is all about interdependence. When these children grow up to be adolescents they lack the required skills to manage their time well, make the best of the available resources and to face the world independently and confidently. Due to lack of the ability to plan their goals, the strategies to attain those goals and inadequate study skills, they are at a disadvantage vis-à-vis their counterparts. The poor communication and interpersonal skills further complicate the situation as they feel inept in asking for assistance. These factors lead to the feelings of inadequacy. These champions of the virtual world of computer games find themselves ill-equipped to cope with the problems of the real world and the maladaptive behavior of quitting and switching-off does not help much in the real world. The feeling of imperfection increases. But the pressure for performance keeps building each passing day, enhancing the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and poor self- worth. The repeated failures to attain success in the ventures/exams further shatters their confidence, giving way to a fear of failure, which leads to further withdrawal.

There are different ways that youngsters today cope with these feelings- they either withdraw from the situation and find peace in the use of drugs and alcohol or they isolate themselves with the feeling of ‘I can’t’ and stop taking any initiative or they seek to fight it out aggressing and blaming others for their misgivings, refusing to take responsibility for their failures.

How can we help?
As is evident from the above discussion, the older generation is somehow responsible for the state of the youth. Improper parenting skills and inability to manage the time and irresponsible delegation of workload (to insensitive caretakers) are major reasons for the lack of focus and direction in the youth.

First and foremost- Be a good role model. The children are our product not just genetically but also behaviorally. Take them off the TV and computer hooks.

Other ways of helping them are:

· Giving the young people more opportunities to take initiative and responsibility is one way of enhancing their self-esteem.
· Before you provide solutions, let them think about the probable ways out of their situation. This helps them learn to fight back and feel responsible for their thoughts and actions.
· Teach them proper study skills at an early stage- class III –IV level.
· Let them perform daily chores related to themselves and feel responsible for them.
· Involve them in minor daily household chores.
· Help them learn to manage their time in a manner such that they have time for everything.
· Spend as much ‘quality time’ that you can with them.
· Technology is a tool to make us more efficient and our lives more comfortable, monitor its usage by children- teach them not just to use it but how to use it judiciously.
· You are not perfect and if your child has problems- then peep inside, there is some behavior of yours that is influencing his/her behavior.

The youth is only as irresponsible, impulsive and depressed as we are, let’s check our end.




Dr. Aradhana Sharma