What is Success?

Today I'll like to share something good I read.

Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.

~ George Sheehan (1918 - 1993)

 

 

What is Success?

To laugh often and love much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the approval of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;

To find the best in others;

To give of one's self;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived...

This is to have succeeded.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND WELL BEING

 

The whole world today is engulfed by strange feelings of alienation, fear and apprehension. Stress due to day-to-day hassles is compounded by the demands of the modern day world. Be it a hard core professional- manager, doctor, engineer, teacher or a student, homemaker or the common man on the streets, there are reports of people from every walk of life succumbing to the pressures, resulting in increased incidence of health problems and in extreme cases suicide and homicide. These are all signs of decreased ability of the body and mind to cope with the ever increasing demands of the modern times.

Most appalling is the fact that people with above average academic records, in reasonably good positions are crumbling- the so called 'intelligent' lot. Over the years of merit dominance, intelligence has lost its true meaning, to be restricted to – a mere ability to fare well in academics.

Experts believe that academic excellence is only the tip of the iceberg .When it comes to life success, IQ contributes only 20% to factors that determine life success, and rest of the 80% is attributed to by other factors. These other factors include the ability to motivate oneself, persist in the face of frustration, to control impulse and delay gratification( self control), ability to regulate one's moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think and the ability to empathize and hope. This is what psychologists call 'emotional intelligence'.

Psychologists believe that intelligence is not a single entity. Rather there exist multiple intelligences which are independent of each other yet work together to provide solutions to problems. Along with the general ability to perceive, comprehend and think logically- self awareness- recognizing one's own and others' feelings, managing emotions and handling relationships are some of the components of EI.

While EI plays an important role in how far a person progresses in personal and professional life, it plays an equally important role in the physical and mental health of an individual. On the one hand there is loads of research to prove that negative emotions like anxiety, anger, apprehension, hopelessness, sadness and depression have a negative impact on physical health in terms increased proneness to blood pressure, heart ailments, breathing troubles and asthma, there is also evidence of lowered immunity and decreased resilience. On the other hand there is clear evidence of positive emotions (optimism, happiness and hope) helping people recover faster and less painfully from chronic and terminal illnesses.

Research has proved that our immune system is linked to our emotions via the influence of the hormones released under stress. The catecholamines (epinephrine and nor epinephrine), cortisol, prolactin and the natural opiates beta-endorphin and enkephalin are released during stress arousal. Each has a strong impact on the immune cells. When these hormones surge through the body, the functioning of the immune cells is hampered. Stress suppresses immunity at least temporarily while persistent stress has a longer lasting effect.

Positive thinking and good social relations have been proven time and again to avert or delay the onset of most known diseases. Why optimistic outlook has health consequences can be explained as- 1) pessimism leads to depression, which in turn interferes with the resistance of the immune system to tumors and infections, 2) pessimists tend to neglect themselves by not following medical regimes or by being careless about their health habits.

A positive and optimistic outlook towards life is learned early in life and is influenced by the emotional support extended by the family and friends.

Relaxation training can help patients deal with some of the distress their symptoms bring, as well as with emotions that may be triggering or exacerbating the symptoms.

Anger control training, ability to trust and the ability to see things from the other person's perspective (empathy) have a balming effect on the negative emotions.

The essence of the matter is that every individual is capable of understanding one's own emotions, monitoring one's responses and learning effective ways of handling relationship and adversities, to be able to lead a physically and mentally healthy life.

 

Dr. Aradhana Sharma can be contacted at: g.aradhana@gmail.com

 

Depression

 

Life for all of us is running in the fast track. 'There is no time to wait and watch' we are running on the unending road to nowhere. We have all felt a little low and been in the blues at one time or the other. What do you think depresses/makes us feel low- or why do we get depressed? The reason for depression is that we feel that we are not in control of the situation- the feeling of helplessness makes us low. Now that we have no control on the situations in the present, it gives us lesser scope for hope in the future! –thus aggravating the feeling to hopelessness. Helplessness and hopelessness are the two main reasons for depression. It is these feelings that lead to despair and low self worth. "When I'm incapable, not capable of doing anything- absolutely worthless, then there is no use of my living" this is what leads to suicidal thoughts and in many situations leads to the act. This is in short the dynamics of depression.

 

Now the question is -is the condition hereditary or environmental?

There is ample research evidence to show that it is hereditary BUT, although it may be a genetic endowment, it lays dormant unless triggered by some environmental factor. In the absence of the precipitating event a person would continue living a normal life. Secondly, environment has a major role to play in terms of the upbringing of the individual. By upbringing we mean the kind of attitudes, values and the lifestyle that one has learned.

Now you may say how are these things related to depression?

There is deep connection between our thought process and the symptoms of depression.

e.g. you get up in the morning to find that you have a flat tyre. (Scene 1) You know you'll get late for work – you may brood, kick around, curse the tyre, shout at who ever comes your way and while changing the tyre in desperation hurt yourself or lose a nut- further delaying yourself. You may gulp down your breakfast in haste or may skip on it. Frustrated as you were with the morning situation, you may start a bad day at work as well.

(Scene 2)- You know you'll be late for work- but that's out of your control now. You may think of an alternative- call a colleague, take a lift or take some form of public transport leaving the tyre to be attended to later or if there is no way out- try changing the tyre keeping your cool. You will in most probability do it less stressfully and in lesser time.

So, it is your reaction (due to your style of thinking) that makes the situation either a catastrophe or a minor barrier.

 

Depression in most situations arises from 'Frustration' – what is frustration? It is the feeling / reaction to situations when things do not happen/ occur the way we would like them to be. Why should things in the first place happen the way we want them to occur?

It is our need to be the master of all situations- our expectations from our environment- physical and social that triggers off frustration. Because our expectations are not fulfilled, we feel frustrated.

 

In order to understand what depresses us we need to understand our expectations from

1. Ourselves
   
2. Environment
   
   1. The physical environment- infrastructure, logistics etc.
      
   2. Others – our colleagues, spouse, children and everyone that we come in touch with.
      

 

We tend to think too much regarding what others are getting, feeling, thinking and doing and less on what we want, why, how to get it and what we are doing to get there.

We have a tendency to blame others for all the misgivings in our lives. This lack of responsibility and acceptance of our own thoughts and feelings results in undue unrest.

If only we could change our perspective and FOCUS on what we look forward to in life. This would automatically change the course of our thinking, feeling and action patterns.

 

On the contrary there are people (most prone to depression) who lack the sense of self- to the extent that they do things only to keep others happy and have no idea whatsoever as to what they want. Such people tend to take their inability to please the hard-to please others as a statement on their capability, and thus harbour feelings of inadequacy and low self worth, leading to lowered spirits.

To overcome this situation one needs to learn to be more communicative, assertive (not aggressive) about one's needs, desires and limitations. One needs to learn to organize one's days.

 

Time management is a key to most of the problems of the present day. Like we plan our meals, taking care that all kinds of nutrients are included in our and our family's diet, similarly we should learn to have a balance of work, play, meals, exercise and leisure in our daily routine. If we learn to prioritize- differentiating between the important and the urgent then we can lead stress free lives.

Have a Happy Holi

I wish all my readers a very happy holi. May this holi spread a plethora of colours in your lives and brighten your lives as the seven colours of the rainbow.

All education is redundant if not implanted when required.

Have a 'dry holi' .

Conserve WATER.

Spread the colours of LOVE.

Throw away the evils of Hatred and Anger.

Love

Aradhana

Me on MH One News Live

Examination anxiety

Every year this time round there is a lot of talk of 'exam stress' or 'exam anxiety'. Any event that tests our abilities and attracts the attention of everyone around us is bound to make anyone anxious. I agree that so much of what one can do in the future depends upon how a child performs at this point . But don't you feel that if children were allowed to take all their exams including the boards as only a measure of how much of what they have learned in the whole academic year - a mere evaluation or assessment for their own understanding of their achievement level rather than a matter of life and death- more than half the problem is taken care of?Why fret about exam anxiety - in the process creating some, even for the confident students? What I mean to say is if schools and parents were to look into things that may create a panic situation towards the end of the session and start to work on them right from the beginning of the session, things would be easier for the students and the authorities as a whole. Anxiety is a normal phenomenon that every individual is bound to face before any performance. And we all know that some amount of anxiety is necessary for optimal performance. The point is that no child can suddenly fall prey to overwhelming anxiety. There are some characteristic features in children who would succumb to the pressure. The signs of difficulties would be visible very early in their academic history. It is because they are overlooked in the earlier classes that they take on a full- blown shape at the time when internal and external pressures to perform peak.

Catch the early signs of exam anxiety-

Consistent inability of a child to perform in one or more subjects.

Poor performance despite additional help (tutions/coaching)

Inability to focus and concentrate on studies.

Tendency to put off work (procrastination).

Physical illness just before tests on repeated occassions.

Disinterest in school and other related activities.

Excessive crying/nervousness before exams.

Inability to concentrate and frequent forgetfulness.

A tendency to hide homework diaries, report cards and test papers.

And in extreme cases avoidance of school and other social activities, negative ideation and suicidal tendency.

In case you find any of these in your child it is time to seek help.

Peer Pressure?

Whenever there is an issue of negative behaviors in children, peer pressure tends to be a prominent concern on our minds. Its easier to fix the blame on the uncontrollable influence. Ever wondered why do children take to the naive and inexperienced peers rather than seek help and guidance from more reliable and experienced sources? Its a matter of 1. easily availability 2. unconditional regard 3. trust.
As parents and teachers we tend to lose trust of our children because of the perptual 'speaking from the podium'.
As we all know that learning starts right from the time that a child opens his/her eyes to this world, most of the learning takes place at home in the early years and this learning stays on with us in many different ways. Most of what parents and other well meaning adults push their children to do is influenced by their desire to be viewed in a positive light when among their friends, colleagues and relatives. A child's performance is one of the parameters to assess our social standing and our capability and success as a parent. This leads many parents to compare their children to whosoever they perceive as better placed than them. It is this early pattern to assess themselves against an external standard that leads children to fall for peer suggestions. Peer approval becomes their referral point for assessment of their worth and thereby self esteem. (This is not to say that the physical and envirnmental influences donot attract the adolescents towards glamour and rebellion, the hormonal changes do influence the behaviour of adolescents)- But closer observation of resilient adolescents reveals that they tend to have a well defined internal locus of control. They are more confident of their own abilities, they are good at problem solving and decision making and are open to experiment with alternatives.

The onus of responsibility lies with the parents and other role models. When we as adults give the children optimum opportunities, encourage independent decision making and functioning and are tolerant of mistakes and divergent views, they'll grow up to be responsible and independent individuals. If we allow them to set their rules and conditions of functioning within a set framework they learn to trust us and their own ability to take charge of their lives.