Independence – How much? When

                                

                         We cannot take a single breath for our child,

                                  cannot think a single  thought ,                                                    

                                  cannot feel a single feeling,

                                 cannot dream a single dream,

                                   cannot cry a single tear, ------ Yet we think we can control their lives.

Let them think, feel, dream, laugh and cry the way they wish to- for the seed only gives everything it can to the seedling- & the gardener can only provide safe growing conditions.

Right from the time that a child enters this world to the time one dies, the key is the ability to survive ‘independently’. With the first birth cry that signifies the first independent breath that the child takes without the maternal help, to the ability to carry out the old age in a healthy and dignified manner is a fight for independence. Despite this we as parents fail to recognize the innate ability of our children to be able to fend for themselves in most of the situations according to their age.

I remember how my child would overturn his plate if I tried to feed him at 2 years of age – when he had just learnt to eat with a spoon on his own. This behaviour of his angered me- till I realized that the child wanted to eat on his own. The moment I let him have his food on his own he was happy. Now, I know many of you would not agree with this because a two year is very messy- yes – he too was but then the confidence that this act evoked in him was worth the effort. For mothers of toddlers I usually suggest a spare outfit to be put on when he/she has to eat. In addition, you can give a small portion for the child to eat on her own and feed the rest once the child has finished with her messing.

This is but a small example of how we unnecessarily pitch in either to save our time, effort and in the presence of others- to save us the social embarrassment. In ‘n’ no. of situations during the course of growing up we help in small and big ways so that the work which they present as theirs, looks beautiful and perfect. As is the trend  wherein the exhibits for the class/school projects and exhibitions are either made by some adult in the family or a recent development- purchased from professionals. The whole purpose of the child being given an assignment has been defeated. Your child’s project maybe adjudged one of the best but in the long run your child is learning ‘dependence’- dependence on others for doing their work. In addition they are losing out of the opportunity to enhance their creativity and problem solving ability. Some parents may argue that they have learnt to solve their problem the easier way – by shelling out some money- not every problem in the world can be solved that way.

The main aim of parenting according to me is to help our children grow up to be independent, confident and happy individuals- if we keep offering a helping hand they’ll never make mistakes. Perfection never comes without mistakes- let them make them now – when they are still small, later their mistakes can be of greater magnitude and  harm - irreparable.

There is another aspect to independence- how much?

Independence here does not imply ‘no rules’. Discipline is the essence of happy and successful living. Independence means a freedom of choice and action. Within the bounds if children are given a choice to choose from a select few it gives them a sense of independence and authority over their lives.

One of our responsibilities as parents is to become independent of our children.

Andrew Schneider notes that many of us feel inadequate as parents because we assume we are totally responsible for them, but we are not.

Schneider says, "Their soul is in charge of their lives, and nothing that you do can greatly interfere nor greatly help. Who you are as a being and what you model is the important reality."

How specifically can we support our children? We want them to feel nurtured and valued. We want to support them in learning how to provide for themselves. And we want to help them build good relationships.

"The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them."

-- Frank A. Clark 

How to help kids develop self esteem

A child grows up on the trust it builds on the caretakers and other significant people around her. In the course of growing up , she begins to develop the sense of well being from the kind of responses that she gets from the people around. The environment and the people reward or reprimand the actions , behaviours and / or intentions in verbal or non verbal ways. This response helps the develop an 'image' of who am I. This image if positive , adds to the self esteem of the child. 
Childhood is that period of life when the child is most open to exploration and experimentation. A safe environment where a child can freely move around and manipulate objects helps to build the basis of child self esteem. 
Parents' undivided attention when the child wants to share her experience, feeling or pain helps her feel wanted and important- this goes a long way in building self worth of the child.

The kind of language and words used with children and for that matter in all our relations plays an important role in building, maintaining and enhancing the self esteem of a person. While talking to children be careful what words you use. The tone should be soft and pitch low when talking to them. Avoid shouting and hitting is a strict 'No'.
Avoid discussing your child and her problems with anyone. The more people you talk to about your child , the more humiliated the child feels - resulting in a lower self esteem.

In your interaction with children avoid bringing in your own personal and professional difficulties . Your child is not responsible for them. 
Avoid counting the sacrifices you made for your child - that was your choice.
Avoid drawing comparisons from your childhood or some other child, sibling or cousin.

If you can be available for your child when she wants you, if you have a designated time with your child when she has your undivided attention and when you listen to your child without judging- your child will have the confidence to face the world.

How to deal with a child who has started lying

There is a reason for all behaviors.
We act in any particular way, because stand to gain some thing.
Lying is an automatic response of most of us when we are in situations which we find difficult to handle or want to avoid.

When your child lies ,there is a good reason behind it. Either he wants to be exempted from doing something or he has done something knowingly or unknowingly, for which he will be punished or reprimanded.

Confronting the child is one way of handling but it usually backfires becoz when the person consistently denies, you are stuck. Even if you have evidence for your accusation, being caught and cornered may lower the self esteem of the child and/or arouse anger in the child.

One of the ways to handle lying and for that matter any negative situation is, focus on what you expect from the child, what should have been done- get it done eg. You want child to complete his school work and report whatever is done in class, check the almanac/ diary every day and keep a vigil on the child's activities.

Lying or any other undesirable behaviour is only an indication that you are not attending to your child enough.

Kindly don't panic- your child will not become anti social if lies or steals as a child. That could happen only if we don't do anything about it- he will learn it okay to trespass the boundaries.

Be very careful with the kind of words you use for and with your child- never ever use words with negative connotations.
Remember your child is just a child, learning the ways of the world and in the process is bound to make mistakes.
Help him learn from them.

Early detection and intervention in childhood disorders

Increasing trends in psychological illnesses and psychosomatic conditions and

somatization/ stress related disorders like hypertension and pulmonary heart diseases have over the years reiterated the need for early detection and intervention.

Early childhood behaviour  as has always been emphasised sets the tone for later behaviour- a well known saying in hindi language ' poot ke pauw palne mein nazar aana'-  future of a child is visible while she is still an infant, becomes equally relevant when we talk about difficult behaviour.

Psychologically, a lot of behaviour is learnt and is influenced by the social milieu and the interaction pattern of the family, peers and teachers with the concerned child. Early detection and reporting of difficulty helps identify faulty maintaining factors, inconsistencies in parenting patterns and other environmental aberrations. There have been instances where early identification and intervention has helped avert many a children from falling into the drudgery of hardcore psychiatric problems, on the other hand the lack or failure to do so has led to severe psychiatric conditions. There are a no. of cases where early identification has proved beneficial in making a child a part of the mainstream, I would like to point out a case ( many more would be there) where a 19 years old- being brought in with complaints of - reduced rather zero social interaction, disregard for personal hygiene,  repetitive talking ( echolalia) incoherence in speech - on drugs for OCD for the last 4 years . A detailed history revealed that  even as a child he found it difficult to cope with school work, communication skills with teachers and peers were poor, being a 'weak' child he was defended and indulged with by parents, when in class 7 he was bullied by some classmates , which resulted in school avoidance - instead of addressing the issue – he was moved from the school and sent to a hostel where things deteriorated further for demand of a certain degree of independence and self reliance- to be again withdrawn from the boarding and put on psychiatric drugs. As of now the child has very low self esteem, avoids social interaction and unable to function even at a minimum level without direction. He is always unsure of himself.

The importance of early identification cannot be emphasised enough in the light of the fact that besides some cases where there are genetic and/ or neurological / neurodevelopmental factors leading to psychological disturbances, many of the psychological disorders have roots in the psychosocial experiences during the course of growing up.

In this regard the awareness and acceptance regarding psychiatric illness needs to be worked on. There is a persistent need for spreading awareness regarding various aspects of personality building, communication and interaction patterns to parents, teachers and the society as a whole. It is very important to develop appropriate social skills, empathy, critical thinking, problem solving outlook and skills in children right from the beginning. Not only this, there is an increasing need to gear young adults towards positive and proactive parenting. Gone are the days when children just grew up- they need to be carefully groomed and reared . Gone are the days when the only source of information to kids were their families and teachers and within the family setup there was ample emotional support system to cater to the individual needs if not in the form of a parent , then at least in the form of a grandparent, uncle, aunt, cousin, older sibling. Today the child is influenced by information from all over the world yet has very scant approach for emotional support.

On the one hand while the access to information at a click of a button has made us more aware and well informed , the flip side is that it has made us hypersensitive to certain other aspects of our life. Growing awareness has made us more intolerant to deviation from the so called ‘normality’. This information overload poses more challenges and points out to us in a hundred ways our inadequacy  as individuals. Therefore a fine balance is the need of the hour.